Today was better than yesterday
There's always levels
Looking for #GoodWeird people who specifically are not finding community in any other hashtag
I'm having a weird idea that could animate me. Is there a directory of those who post very personal videos like mine above? I want to find others like me!!!
"Don't all people post their personal lives on social media?"
Not really. What I see are carefully curated posts to promote a happy & successful self image. Where are my fellow messes? Maybe other artists saying: my messy life is part of being an artist!
Does this post sound drunk or high, because I'm probably both. I had to do something.
Since this is a text platform I've distilled the above (which is a distillation of an hour stream) into the main point that hits me. I make art that communicates one human's spirit & emotion — and I can't say that's worth anything! That is how strong the illness of capitalism afflicts me. I make art to express the human spirit AND IT IS WORTH $0! I am going to wait in line tomorrow for some cast off food because my career is humanist art not commerce.
https://account.venmo.com/u/RMiddletonArt
These are the creepy freaks I come from
& it's why I am alienated from family and why I was suicidal in my 20s
I question the abilities for humans to think rationally or to love each other because these are the ones I know the best
Reactionary Catholics are a major threat to liberal democracy in America
BY PAUL CAMPOS
https://www.lawyersgunsmoneyblog.com/2024/09/reactionary-catholics-are-a-major-threat-to-liberal-democracy-in-america
I stream super long and rambling videos on twitch, some of which I transfer to YouTube. (Both account names are humanissome.) My stream today was "short" at 1 hour! I made a cut below 8 minutes as a sample. My goal is to present unpolished feelings of burnout and struggle, with a cheerful, humanist demeanor. I weave together my art production with the feelings I'm experiencing.
More Perfect Union, 40 x 30 inches or 102 cm by 76 cm.
Frank talk on prices: I am an artist & have been for 30 years, so clearly I know nothing about earning money. I list my work on a sliding scale, this one would be $600+. (That includes shipping if necessary.) I don't think that's a lot for this size but I also think all Americans want art to be $40. For nearly 20 years on social media I can never talk about this topic bc it would be suppressed. I'm burning out daily. That's all.
This morning I streamed while painting and talking about my difficulties as an artist and a human in an inhumane society.
So it went ok. I got free food, alcohol, and weed. A small amount of ok conversation. I think it was ok by not being a big deal or important. That's a struggle for me. I'm doing terrible. And not incidentally my nation & all humanity are doing terrible. I strongly want moments to be more than just passing time. I want to be part of a humanity that uses our brains and emotions to make things better for all, even if it's just a little bit each day. And I don't see it. I don't see many trying. 😢
5/5 Yeah. I just said it in the past toot. I have a utilitarian view of the people I know. And that sucks. I suck for that. But. I know it's not safe for me to go into most social interactions being vulnerable. Most people I know are careless by my standards. Careless emotionally. Careless what they say. And careless about public health.
If I, after seeing no one for days, describe what troubles me, the response is usually so fast: "You just need to ___."
That's why I'm quiet & alone.
#Rart
4/5
My latest stream idea is to have the imaginary conversations that I feel I want to but cannot have with people I know. I use streaming as self talk therapy & it might help me uncover what my issues with other people are. One that I suspect is that things are a BIG DEAL to me that others shrug off, I think. The simple fact that I am about to spend my first moments with another person in maybe weeks & that other person sees several people daily. That's huge.
Ugh I'm only doing this for food.
3/ my secret resentments of others who are "kind enough" to spend time & usually money on a hermit. Clearly I'd like to find a new way to get along with others. The fantasy world be to find all new, wonderful people to be friends with. But that doesn't seem realistic & relationships are 2-way. If most my relationships are unsatisfying surely it's at least partly on me. I don't know. I don't know. Now that I'm leaving the house for 1st time in over a week I probably won't stream. But my latest
2/ I hang back to see what others want to talk about. This deferential habit frequently leads me to wish I had stayed home. People I know often want to talk about their travels, their home decorating, and to defend themselves against imagined slights, even from strangers. Maybe I know the worst people. But these are the GOOD topics I might get. Much worse are when folks want to talk about news stories. They move fast & know nothing. That's my opinion of social people! So then I feel terrible for
I'm accepting an invitation to be taken out for lunch. This scares me but free food is a break from what I normally eat. I don't know if I'll have the courage to talk about what's on my mind or just go with whatever they want. It's may be worth differentiating here what's on my mind from what I get drawn into talking about by others, as a way of explaining my antisocial ways. This will be a mini thread within this thread. Because I'm used to solitude I do not jump into busyness easily.
1/
Self medicating with mezcal on ice. I'm not happy to be doing this but alcohol is more affordable and accessible than medicine that would help me more. The reason I'm not happy is that I believe alcohol (& weed) "help" by distraction. In a way it's the same as my desire to make art (& overeat & binge watch): I so want to feel different than I do. The actions that help the most are taxing on funds or energy. The easiest ones like alcohol & bingeing "win" by default.
Focus/distraction = thought
Now I've showered and trimmed my nails. I'm exhausted & lying down again. These and other basic maintenance tasks {like haircuts, shaving, laundry, cooking and dishwashing} are currently big challenges.
I may not get to streaming or other creative productivity today. But I might. It's still before noon. But my current sleep schedule has me tired before sunset.
I'm reluctant to open my phone up because it's such a risky thing to do lol. I think not.
Best tour of London I've ever taken:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=671PxfI37hg
Does anyone else have sensory issues with reflective surfaces? My peripheral vision gets disturbed by reflections all the time. I use oscillating tower fans to cool for less energy than running AC. I used to have matte putty colored ones. Those died. A kind friend gave me 2 that are shiny black plastic. I cannot imagine someone thought to design a constantly moving object with a reflective surface! I don't understand humans. I can only assume that some people must not notice it or care.