I was up all night. Went to sleep at 11:30. Now it's 17:30 & I just got up and ate. I woke up a couple times before I committed to getting out of bed, per my usual. Woke up, felt miserable & didn't want to be in the world & I always feel like I'm too late for 1 thousand overdue tasks. Sometimes the call of something delicious will pull me out of bed but there was nothing special in the kitchen today. Still managed to eat. Now resting! I wake up & rest. 😭 Slowly ease into my awake period.
💓
It's funny I say it's lonely when the values I describe seem to be those of the majority here. Well here isn't very popular, say compared to Meta or Mr. Beast. I think of the metaphor of virtuous & vicious circles. This place often serves as a virtuous one, helping buoy its users. Other social media & the actual world outside my door are powerful vicious circles. No one, no place is 100% bad of course. Yet the cumulative effect that I observe is a prevailing negative influence. Resist.
2/2
The conflicts I have with my society, the rants I write, reflect hard work to live my values. The turning point was deciding that core humanist values are worth more than money & acceptance. These words sound polished & easy. The truth is that every day contains wall to wall pressure to compromise belief in equal human dignity. When someone known for years casually speaks hate. When those in power celebrate violence. When business puts money over human life. Every damn day! It gets lonely. 1/2
When a post appears in my feed because it was boosted I see a small intro to the post saying who boosted it. I like it. Increases my agency. I know why I'm seeing a post from an account I don't follow. If I desire to make adjustments I can.
I propose the same for hashtags. When I'm shown a post because of a tag I'd like the tag to be identified. Why? Many posts include tons of tags & it's tedious to click on multiples & I don't remember every tag I follow. Overall tag management is poor.
25. What one event defines your MC?
Being placed in stasis and rocketed into space for a journey of an unknown length of time until being reawakened on another planet.
I've been talking about my difficulty selling my home, even in Florida. I will walk away with less than the purchase price 20 years ago. I'm in a high rise condo in an older building with very high monthly fees. There was a condo collapse in Miami a couple years ago & it's caused depressed interest in them (I think). My building has been consistently well maintained, thus the sky high monthly fees. Just posting to say that no financial trend is universal.
I'm afraid to talk, always afraid to talk. I don't know how to talk to what I call normal people—people who talk about traveling and home design and restaurants and sports and entertainment. I'd rather talk about human rights and racism and sexuality and gender and psychology and spirituality... So yeah I don't know how to talk to the people who surround me. I only like to post on fedi.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
More at:
https://gotosocial.social/@rartsy/statuses/01KSF0M03TCHRM6984EH0A8GTZ
I think it's worth noting that one of the cruelest barriers to improvement are the cumulative penalties that accrue while impaired. There are times when I'm doing so poorly that survival is all that's possible. During those times—sadly most of my time for too long—I'm nearly oblivious to long-term damage because all my focus is food, sleep, medication, hygiene. That's all I can handle. So it feels cruel to feel just a bit better & remember that I'm financially fucked, worse off every day. 😩
I find this post relevant to what I wrote above:
https://beige.party/@beadsland/116627571187350122
The system values reflection and improvement only up to the point before it becomes a threat to the system. It's all a variation on how difficult it is to see what you're paid not to see. To make big changes requires a new support system, new definitions of success, and repeated rejection of the current system. Recognize that the system's powerful inertia necessitates repeated, conscientious rejection.
I work to trust simple language.*
I work to trust others to manage their own emotions without manipulation from me.
I work to feel good as myself.
*Is it weird that I think of Orwell? I've retained for decades his admonitions on the use of language. At least my version of what he said! The strong beliefs that I've communicated in posts above are influenced by a work I can't cite off the top of my head & have skimmed maybe twice in the 30+ years since first exposure in school. Art is powerful.
I'm trying to say something that's beyond these short posts on how bigotry rushes to fill the space opened by weakness—an inability to express emotion with words & confidently believe that a listener will be emotionally affected. I believe that bullying speech reflects insecurity of one's connection to others. Lacking trust in simple language to elicit sympathetic emotional response, the bullying speaker manipulates using shock. Many people do some version of this, not only obvious bigots.
3/3
+reached for the worst possible word to express maximum emotion. If the dangerous driver had not been Black my ex probably would have said mf'er. That's about the highest negative word that's widely applicable. The R word can also be used as a rude insult; I heard that a lot in my youth. The usage I've heard lately is as "colorful" descriptor for situations not people. It's still offensive just as many other examples are. (Using a J word for stingy negotiating was common in my youth too.)
2/3
A friend used the R word today. It's the 2nd friend in 6 months that I've noticed say it casually. Considering how rarely I socialize this is frequent. I do consider this a spillover effect. I remember once when my former partner used the N word. (If I had left him then I'd be better off!) There's more than one disease going on here. The supremacy is easy to recognize. It also indicates a dysfunction of verbal expression. The N word followed a life threatening traffic offense. The speaker+
1/3
Good data: I feel really wiped out today & slept very late. This happens. It's why I appreciate help like I got yesterday & it's also hard to ask for it & commit in advance to work. Last night on a high I made social plans (just floating in a pool) for today, not anticipating how drained I'd be. I can't be productive daily but maybe every other day or at least a few days a week. Also worth noting that yesterday wasn't even straining! Or so it seemed. My capacity is so low. :/
I said something recently about knowing what you don't know. It's humility & modesty, but there's also a kind of self importance if you're able to think: some day I hope to know more than I know now. Life experience demonstrates that. I just had a flash memory to a time when I thought of masculinity very differently than I do now. I was lost and afraid of being judged (by me, by all) as not masculine enough. I feel sorry for that younger me, for all who are locked in that thinking.
Content warning:US News & Gun Reports
There are several possible answers to the question of why this happens so often. Mostly because of what the US lacks: community, health care, mental health care, firearm restrictions, and representation. All the above have been true forever & the current regime has madly accelerated every problem. What I *really* want to see widely discussed is lack of representation. With the people's electoral power being blatantly stripped away & laws ignored how does one have a voice?
I had a weird distracting thought while watching #Bugonia, which I didn't finish. The central character is an unfortunate rural American conspiracy theorist. My weird thought was that this plot seemed more suitable for a book than a mainstream #movie. A Hollywood cast is drawn from some of the most privileged humans on earth. I felt almost dirty watching this elite cosplay of what sad rubes must be like. Does this feeling mean that I can never enjoy movies? Strange!
A high school friend came over today and helped me pack a bin & took a bunch of stuff to sell.* Best day I've had in a long time!
*without great expectations on making money. She took a lot of unusual stuff because she gets enjoyment by researching the history. The deal is that if something proves valuable she'll give me half (her idea). Regardless it's out of my hair and may end up in a good home.
Content warning:Drug treatments
I've been trying medicinal weed again, tho I'm never sure if it helps. I have not felt substantial pain relief from anything in over a year. I sometimes go from awful to bad as a result of certain treatments, chemical & physical & mental. Never not bad. For well over a year. (Today I realized that I could check this archive to verify my past state at different times. I don't have the heart to do that yet.) This post records that I smoked 1/6 joint to encourage sleep. We'll see.
Knowing what you don't know is a tricky wisdom. Hesitation results, and that's an impairment in the land of move fast and break things. Competitive materialism has such a hold on us, most advice passed off as wisdom promotes material benefits. Cautious consideration of what you don't know is no match for arrogant imposition of your will. The only thing that matters in this age is marketing. Persuasion is power. Hesitancy looks weak.
Wise role models are rare within pervasive dysfunction.